Why Do We Say Yes When We Want To Say No?
Why do we say something is ok when it’s actually not? Dismissing our feelings typically leads to the silent simmer of passive-aggressive resentfulness, but is there really a need to do that? Are we afraid of being accused of being overly sensitive? Of having eyes rolled at us? Or being called a bitch for standing up for ourselves? Are we fearful that our needs won’t be met even if we ask for what we want and need, or that we are being silly or trivial?
The other day I got together with a close friend of mine, and we caught up on some personal struggles we’d been dealing with. She offered a lot of wonderful guidance on some old wounds causing me a lot of pain and then shared something she’d been having trouble with. Unfortunately I picked that moment to joke in order to make her laugh. Oops. I should have been more in tune with listening to her. She told me it didn’t matter – but things didn’t feel right. I gently prodded. She perked herself up, and she told me what she was feeling needed to be honored. I respected her so much for speaking up, and it also gave me an opportunity to learn how to support someone better, as well as apologize for being insensitive. It was a really lovely growing point in our friendship, and I think we both walked away from it feeling so good and much more compassionate human beings!
Sometimes the only way to have our needs met is to use our words to ask for them, and we can do so in a kind way. None of us are mind readers, although generally we could all use help in learning how to listen to each other better. We may not always be in a loving environment where we can speak our truth, either, and letting go of needing validation is our own lesson. Most people don’t even love themselves, so attaching meaning to their judgment isn’t healthy and also not a good use of energy. The thing to remember is that we teach people how to treat us, and speaking up with love gives you a chance to have your needs met, and the other party a chance to make a cause to support your life.
Designer & Stylist: Peggy Khoucasian / Writer: Christie Cole
Photographer: Camila Cardozo / Model: Katrina Amato